so a friend of mine reblogged a picture about ” No shame November”. It was a bravery project. i write something and not care what other’s think and here goes mine. I’m going to write about something that’s on my mind right now and in my heart.
I was raised in Christ. I grew up knowing Jesus. My dad was a youth pastor when i was younger, which is shocking knowing the person he is now. i guess it just shows how much someone can change. I really think the teenage years effect you more in finding your faith that most. This is a time in you’re life where you discover who you are and the things that happen to you during this time, effects who you will be in the future. All through high school, i went without a youth group. The church i went to didnt have one. So i would occasionally go to my friends, but it wasnt the same. I knew everyone but i felt like since i hadnt gone to their church since the beginning, i wasnt fully accepted. When we changed churches cause it was closer, they actually did have a youth group but i never joined because i was scared to be a part of something that was already established. I thought i was good the way i was. i was wrong. Febuary 2011, i got out of a long relationship. he had been in my life for over a year and he decided he didnt want to be any part of it anymore. And that hit me hard. He was the first person i had given my love to ( and i dont mean had sex with )he was the first person i opened up to and actually loved who wasnt a family member and to have him not there, it destroyed me. I was weak and God saw this. So did Satan. God was screaming ” I’m here! I’m here! I can help you with this pain. It’s only temporary. Trust in me” But i couldn’t hear him over Satan screaming ” you’re not good enough. if only you had given him what he wanted, you’d still have him. if only you were prettier, he wouldnt have chose her over you.” and it hurt I felt damaged and broken and i stopped caring. But God prevailed and with the help of my from a friend, God managed to give me a message at church one night through a video we watched. And for the first time in months, i was happy. I felt like i WAS good enough. But Satan knew better. He knew that you can’t change automatically. He knew there were still cracks, so he dug his claws in and let them fester in my heart till he almost had complete control. May of 2011 was when it began. He had me doing things I would never do and i didnt care. i belittled myself, i had no self respect, and i just didnt care. i was destructive, and it got bad. One day in September, i looked at myself in the mirror and thought, ” i dont know you. I don’t know who you are but you’re not Lauryn. And I’m going to fight with all my heart till you give her back”. I thought i could do it alone. Just me battling me and it was hard. I started making changes but i was having the most difficult time staying away from the stuff that was bad for me. I didnt understand why nothing was working. But then my wake up call happend. And this one wasn’t pretty. My parent’s told us they were getting divorced and my world was broken. My dad, has cheated on my mom all throughout their marrige. He has a problem with lust and urges and believes that it an be cured with physical contact from countless woman. he didnt love them, he just uses them for a fix, and this time, he had gotten a woman pregnant as a result.Satan’s got his claws in deep in him and i can see how it tears him up cause he knows its wrong. He has battles raging on inside him that i can clearly see and it brings me to tears. I nearly broke down to this news and i prayed to God ” why are you letting this happen?! You know I’m trying to better myself! you know i’m struggling! why would you let this happen!” and God said to me, ” Give me your burden. For i am here and i love you. Things happen and you have to deal, but you dont have to deal alone. Come back to me my child. You might have lost your way, but i have never lost you”. It was a pure case of the prodigal son. He spoke and i listened. I started letting him control my life again, and i saw the change immediately. All those barriers broke down and my struggles left me. He replaced the people who were filling my life with sin,with hurt, with saddness, with new ones who are just as in love with God as i am. He knows I’ll never abandon him again. I am weak, but with him, i am strong.
I know this is long and if you’ve made it this far, i thank you. I’ve always been a devout christian and loved God to the fullest extent of my heart. I just had a time where i put other things before him. And as simple as they seem, the piled up, and eventually small things form big things. But i’ve made changes and im still making them, but i know God will be there. i’ve always secretly admired the fairy tales where the princess is saved my the prince on the white horse, he knight in shining armor. Jesus is my prince. He saved me from the tower i locked myself in and showed me i was good enough again.
